Yesterday, my father said this to me. He has no idea how he makes me feel. He's just too oblivious.

"I'm waiting for you to leave."

My only thought was...

"It's not that I want you to want me. I just don't want you to not want me."

Happiness

This is what has been on my mind the past few weeks.

Why must we continually pursue happiness? Why is it an unreachable goal, to say you're happy?

After thinking through many nights these pasts weeks, I've realized; the last time I remember being incredibly happy; happier than an A on a midterm, or a try on the rugby field; I was happy when I discovered my grandmother was going to be alright. All night long, that July of 06, I had cried. My parents had driven to see my grandmother, everyone thought she was going to die that night. I couldn't reach anyone in the morning, and I collapsed. I couldn't bare the thought that my Nana, the woman I barely knew, was dying.
My parents came to see me later that day. To say she was okay.
Those, I believe, were the only tears of joy that have ever streamed my face.

Not since then have I had a happier moment.
I was so happy, in that second.

She died less than two weeks later.

It's not her that's keeping me from pursuing happiness. It's myself. My subconscious.

We have learned responses to many of life's daily questions.
Sometimes, when a stranger asks me how I'm doing, a tear comes to my eye.

I'm not doing well.
I think I've given up my pursuit of happiness.
I don't know why; I've just got no drive or desire anymore.

I'm so busy. Sometimes I think the business is just hiding the underlying sickness.