Bi-feelings

I've certainly had my ups and downs. But never have I felt both at the same time.

Here are some lyrics that are feeling really close to my heart right now.

"Rain Delays"
Crash Parallel
World We Know (2008)

The sleepless nights and endless days,
Mini skirts and serving trays,
Waking up from rain delays,
And selling sex for pocket change,
And living off the alcohol,
With no one but a cab to call,
And lost inside a bathroom stall,
This carbon copy life withdrawal,

And I need, Someone to believe in.

And driving cars we cant afford,
Just to make in sure were never bored,
Living off our own accord
Between coffee grinds and corner stores
Limosinnes and cigerettes,
Chasing dreams with fishing nets
And long weekends with out regrets
Well no one here is taking bets

And I need, Someone to believe in
Yes someone to fill this space, with grace
To look into my eyes and touch my face
To make me feel alive today

Someone to make me strong
Someone to make me belong
Someone to make it all right
Someone to make me feel alive, yeah

And stretching out like rubber bands
To kiss the cheeks and shake the hands
And *pool* *halls* and wonderlands.
With strong arms and no legs to stand
And getting by on hand me downs
With your tips, your drinks, your buying rounds
Back to my old stomping grounds
Like children in the lost and found

And I need, Someone to believe in
Yes, someone to fill this space, with grace
To look into my eyes and touch my face
To make me feel alive today


"Breathe"
Alexi Murdoch
Time Without Consequence (2006)

In the quiet of the shadow
In the corner of a room
Darkness moves upon you
Like a cloud across the moon

You're a-wearing all the silence
Of a constant that will turn
Like the windmill left deserted
Or the sun forever burn

So don't forget to breathe
Don't forget to breathe
Your whole life is here
No eleventh hour reprieve
So don't forget to breathe

Keep your head above water
But don't forget to breathe

And all the suffering that you've witnessed
And the hand prints on the wall
They remind you how it's endless
How endlessly you fall

And the answer that you're seeking
For the question that you found
Drives you further to confusion
As you lose your sense of ground

So don't forget to breathe
Don't forget to breathe
Your whole life is here
No eleventh hour reprieve
So don't forget to breathe

Keep your head above water
But don't forget to breathe

Breathe....

Don't forget to breathe
Don't forget to breathe
You know you are here
But you find you want to leave
So don't forget to... breathe

Just breathe
Just breathe
Just breathe...
Just breathe...
Just breathe...

I Won't Try....To Fail

An old song, for old feelings.
Too bad the past loves to haunt us.


"Move Along"
The All-American Rejects
Move Along (2005)

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall everyone sins
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your
Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
Move along

So a day when you've lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)

When everything is wrong we move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
When everything is wrong, we move along
Along, along, along

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
[x3]

(Move along)
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along

Next week, on your least favourite show....

I used to think of my life as a sitcom. Then, as a teenage drama-fest. Now, well, now I'm thinking it's more of a drama. Like something awkward one would discuss at a funeral visitation and such.
There's bits that are laughable. Must mostly, the most exciting stuff, there is just depressing, morbid, sad, or terrifying scences.

Sure, the comic relief is great. It's just working through the rest that is getting so tough.

Come back.

I understand that you feel like she means everything to you.

But does that mean I have to mean nothing?

I miss you.

A long time ago, the past caught up to me.

A long time ago, I vowed to myself that I would never have regrets.
I would never let myself have regrets.

A long time ago, my past caught up to me. The past caught up to me.

It's a whole lot harder than I thought, living without regret.

A whole lot more complicated than I ever thought this life could get.

I've lost focus.
Now I feel my past sneaking up behind me.
And the regrets encompassing me.

Today, I will live without regret.
I will live with my past, and not argue against it.
I will look forward, press on, and look back.

I will look behind me, only to see where I've come from. To tell me where to never go again.

I'm moving. I don't know if I'm moving forward or backward. I probably never will.
But as long as I'm moving, I'll be okay.
Even when I think I can't do it, I can't keep the pace, it's alright as long as you just keep pushing

Yesterday, my father said this to me. He has no idea how he makes me feel. He's just too oblivious.

"I'm waiting for you to leave."

My only thought was...

"It's not that I want you to want me. I just don't want you to not want me."

Happiness

This is what has been on my mind the past few weeks.

Why must we continually pursue happiness? Why is it an unreachable goal, to say you're happy?

After thinking through many nights these pasts weeks, I've realized; the last time I remember being incredibly happy; happier than an A on a midterm, or a try on the rugby field; I was happy when I discovered my grandmother was going to be alright. All night long, that July of 06, I had cried. My parents had driven to see my grandmother, everyone thought she was going to die that night. I couldn't reach anyone in the morning, and I collapsed. I couldn't bare the thought that my Nana, the woman I barely knew, was dying.
My parents came to see me later that day. To say she was okay.
Those, I believe, were the only tears of joy that have ever streamed my face.

Not since then have I had a happier moment.
I was so happy, in that second.

She died less than two weeks later.

It's not her that's keeping me from pursuing happiness. It's myself. My subconscious.

We have learned responses to many of life's daily questions.
Sometimes, when a stranger asks me how I'm doing, a tear comes to my eye.

I'm not doing well.
I think I've given up my pursuit of happiness.
I don't know why; I've just got no drive or desire anymore.

I'm so busy. Sometimes I think the business is just hiding the underlying sickness.

Wandering

Tolkein once said, "Not all who wander are lost".

Well, I've been wandering lately.
And I think I'm lost.

I had always planned to play rugby at university, ever since I started playing three years ago.
I'm terrified.
I know my body can't stand up to the fitness training they have scheduled. I have two weeks to get my body 5 times better than it should be.

School is scaring me. I thought I knew what I wanted. Now I have no idea. It all seems like too much, too fast.

I don't know what I want. And that which I do know I want seems impossible to achieve.

Have I lost hope already?

Wishing, Waiting, Wanting.

I wrote this last year when I was applying to Camp Medley. It seems so long ago when I was close to God.

"Try to describe what God is to you."
Most people would say "my saviour", but to me he is more. He is why I am here, why I live, why I love, why I care, why I think, why I am, why I am me. He saved me from this world, he loves me, he is the ultimate role model. He is everything. He surrounds me and comforts me and is truly my only hope.

"What is the most influential part of your life?"
One of the most influential parts of my life is the past. Usually, I would like to forget the past and start each day as if it were the only one I would live. The truth is, the past makes us who we are. Your past does not have to define you. We have no need to bring up the old life since God washed away all of our sins, all of our wrongs, all of our previous life. You are a disciple of God, and therefore you needn't worry about the past, only of what you will to tomorrow.

What Makes A Man Break When He's About to Die?

I'm so sick and tired of his yelling. When I think about memories of my dad, I don't remember the moments like everyone else. I remember pointless, ridiculous arguments that we fought. He has a bad, quick temper and yells a lot. I really don't want to have to have to deal with his shit anymore. Why should I have to go though this? I sure didn't ask to. Your father shouldn't make you cry and feel like shit on a weekly basis. (Actually, never.) The more I think about it, the more I don't want to live with him. I shouldn't have to do this. Why would I live with a man who constantly made his children and wife cry over absolutly nothing. Why are we putting up with this?

Time zones, microwaves, what are those in the big picture? Definatly nothing to haunt your children's memories with. Why does he turn jokes around and make them into screaming matches? Why does he always push you untill you crack and break into a million tiny pieces, impossible to repair? Why would he do that to his own family?
I'm done with this.

I'm so tired. I'm so stressed. Now this days-long headache is throbbing more than normal. Probably from yelling and crying, right? Why can't he just leave me alone?

It's like he needs this to survive. Like yelling and damaging other people is his oxygen.

Someone come and someone come and save my life.
Because I sure can't.

Third Time's The Charm

This is the third time I've filled this out...once per year.

A Year Ago, I:
1. Was in 11th grade
2. Was carefree. Mostly
3. Slipped. Again.
4. Played my first season of football
5. Decided to put myself through these uuber-stressful classes

Years Ago, I:
1. Never thought I would make it this far
2. Was oblivious
3. Moved away
4. Found music
5. Made decisions that are still haunting me

Yesterday I:
1. Had a day off
2. Did no schoolwork. (This was quite an achievement)
3. Got to eat real food again
4. Went out to lunch
5. Dropped off an application for a summer job

Today, I:
1. Ate a big breakfast
2. Plan on doing more homework that anyone should ever see
3. Got up early
4. Work at five
5. Will vacuum

Five Songs I Know All the Words To, Even Without the Music:
1. Made To Heal
2. The Alphabet Song
3. Yellow Brick Road
4. Body In A Box
5. Blessed Be The Name of The Lord

Five things I'd do With $100,000:
1. University
2. Sponcer a child
3. Guitar Lessons
4. The rest of my life's summers at Camp Medley
5. Calculus Tutor. x10

Five Songs You've been listening to Lately:
1. Weighty Ghost
2. All I Want Is You
3. Yellow Brick Road
4. Nowhere With You
5. Foundations

Top Five Locations I'd Like To Run Away To:
1. Moncton
2. Rugby Field
3. Friend's houses
4. Cronin's
5. Anywhere but here

Five details about you:
1. Music is Life
2. I push myself.
3. I am extremely realistic
4. I am a weird mix of shyness with huge spurts of outgoingness
5. I am always going to be younger. I've come to terms with it.

Five details about your appearance right now:
1. I am still in pjs
2. My hair is dirty
3. I am not wearing makeup
4. I should be in the shower.
5. I am not wearing socks

Five things that everyone should know about you:
1. I hate fish, but I'm learning to get over it.
2. I try. Don't expect too much.
3. I like to be alone, but I love being together too.
4. I have no tolerance for people who are rude.
5. I cannot stand burping. At all.

Five favorite movies:
1. JUNO
2. I Am Legend
3. The Pursuit of Happyness
4. Minority Report
5. Remember The Titans

Five things that make you happy:
1. Laughter
2. Camp Medley
3. Little Kids
4. Rugby
5. Music

April 14th, 2008

I have given up.

I don't quit.

But I have.

I can't put myself through all of this.
So I am attempting to end it civilly.
It's not going well.

I am ready for summer.
Except I have no job.
Yet.
If I don't manage to pull it all together ASAP, I may just go bury my head in the mud and not come out for years.


I'm not ready. I'm not done. I can't do this. I have too much to do. I need help.
I asked nicely at first.
Now I'm just ready to get out of here.

Psychology Class

This was a "gauge of our mental flexibility" we did in psyc class last week, and I loved it, so I thought I would share.

INSTRUCTIONS: Find the missing words.
EXAMPLE: 12=M. in a Y. Months In A Year

26=L. of the A.
7=W. of the W.
1001=A.N.
12= S. of the Z.
54=C. in the D. (with the J.)
9 (truly 8)=P. in the S.S.
88=P.K.
13=S. on the A.F.
18=H. on a G.C.
3=B.M. (S.H.T.R)
4=Q. in a G.
24=H. in a D.
57=H.V.
11=P. on a F.T.
1000=W. that a P. is W.
29=D. in a L. Y.
9=L. per C.
1000=L. U. the S.
100=Y. in a C.


I got ten in the 20 minutes allowed.
What about you?

Done. Finished. Over. Ended.

I'm just trying to keep my head above water. Don't push me down any further, thanks.
I think I am going to quit work. I can handle 2 months without a paycheque. Hopefully. I just don't know if I can handle leaving all those people I love. I feel so connected with the residents and the staff. It's going to break my heart, but what can I do?
Rugby and football are crazy. Practice four days a week plus double-game-days on Saturdays...not to mention AP exams, which are fast approaching and I haven't even finished the courses yet.
I am feeling so overwhelmed, I don't know what to do.
There's a stong feeling in my gut that I should just take off for a couple days and get away from it all. But who am I kidding? I would just worry and stress over how much I would have to do when I got back.
I will be so relieved when this schoolyear is over. I know next year is going to be hard, but I can't even think of that now. I knew grade twelve would be tough, but I never expected to feel like this. I've never felt like this before. Sometimes when I can't sleep I actually can't breathe because I am so worried. I constantly feel like I am drowning. I can't breathe. It's scary.

I am ready for a break.
Please.

Comin' Home

So, I don't think I can handle much more in my life right now. Daily breakdowns over ridiculous things really take a toll on me.
Is calculus really this difficult? No. My brain just refuses to cooperate at the appropriate times.
Psychology class is fun: I realize what an idiot I am and how all of my moronic tendancies are shaping my everyday life.
So, since I'm a little overwhelmed, I decided it would be best not to put any more stress on myself.
Then I realized: Oh, rugby AND football are both starting this week. Oh, and work is changing now too (I'll be working a lot more). So, say 8 hours of rugby a week, 3 hours of football, and 12 or 15 hours of work.... ~3 hours of homework a night (unless I give up especially early)...

Basically, it's come down to:
Drowning or suffocation?

Post 100

"Body In A Box"
City And Colour
Bring Me Your Love (2008)

There's a funeral procession on the highway,
Traffic screeches to a halt.
There's people searching for a better way,
To live their lives. Oh.
"Johnny lived a good life", you'll hear them say,
As tears of sadness soak the ground.
The reaper crept in, took his breath away,
In the middle of the night.

We celebrate the lives of the dead,
It's like a man's best party, only happens when he dies.
We gather 'round to pay our respects,
While their souls are still searching for the light,
Searching for the light.

So please don't come to me on my dying day,
Just let me go in peace.
With all the things that I forgot to say,
Racing through my mind. Oh.
And don't you bury me six feet under ground,
Just burn my body in a box.
And let my ashes blow with the wind,
Out into the night sky.

We celebrate the lives of the dead,
It's like a man's best party, only happens when he dies.
We gather 'round to pay our respects,
While their souls are still searching for the light,
Searching for the light.

Oh, That Thing...In June...Kinda a Deal...

So everyone else is excited for prom. I think I'm too stressed to be excited. But here is a dress I'm thinking of buying, and I want others' opinions, because I really have no idea. It looks nice on, I guess. It fits well. If I do buy it, it will be "real red" which they call Claret. And I'd wear the straps with it.
This is just the first one, hopefully I'll see another that I like.

EDIT:
I bought a different dress...I think it's just as nice, and it was quite a bit less expensive.

Happy? Not Today, Thanks.

Tired of this shit.

I don't want to deal.

Sad thing is,

it's all I have.

I mean what I say.

Usually.

So don't laugh.

This is how I feel,

you poking fun

is only making me

hate myself more.

Good job.

Get it right.

I don't want to be this way.

But I don't have any choice.

Why would I do this?

I don't get angry.

I'm just frusterted.

Being treated like crap

and having friends offend me

really isn't my style.

I mean what I say,

and I say what I mean.

Don't think I'm insulting you.

I'm telling the truth.

I wouldn't lie to make you feel better.

That's not me.

So deal.

I love you.

My intention is not to cause hurt.

I simply want you to know the truth.

Except you already know.

You just don't want to admit it.

That's all I'm saying.

Second Semester Senior?

Scary thought, isn't it?
I'm not really sure how I'm feeling right now. Stressed, that's for sure. And I don't even have any classes right now. Ridiculous, I know.
It seems like everyone has someone.
I don't think I have anyone.

Pfft. Another depressing post. Yay.

Recent Events

My heart goes out to the boys from Bathurst High School in northern New Brunswick. Their coach's wife, Elizabeth Lord, as well. She taught at a local elementary school.
I cannot imagine what their community is going through right now. My school has had some tough breaks this year, but nothing can compare to this. We all have taken some risks and made some poor decisions, and this accident just makes it all the more real. It shows us that accidents happen and there is absolutly nothing we can do about it. This makes me have mixed feelings, telling me that there's nothing we can do but make smart decisions.
My prayers are for you boys.


This song has recently touched me, and I wanted to share these lyrics with you.

"What Do We Know?"
Thousand Foot Krutch
The Flame In All Of Us (2007)

Pick up the phone, nobody's home,
I'm all alone, we've all been here before.
Yesterday, I saw a change, another way,
as you walked out the door.
It's a twist, a little bit, I'll admit,
but we're stronger than before.
Open up, we've had enough, we've had enough,
Now we're holding on... and waiting

What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
I'll tell you what they're all sayin'
What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
I'll tell you what they're all sayin'

We all try to be somebody,
but the world around us makes it so cloudy.
When we are trust,
where we're supposed to,
but the blood on their hands says
we're not close to the answer yet.
But maybe if we pulled together, we could change
a million live for the better, and maybe,
if we prayed a little more, we would stop,
Living in fear from the story,
and everyone sings

What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
I'll tell you what they're all sayin'
What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
I'll tell you what they're all sayin'

Every part is you,
every part is me,
raise your hands and sing!
Tell them we can be!
Show them who you are,
show them you can see,
raise your hands and sing,
tell them we are free!

What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
I'll tell you what they're all sayin'
What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
I'll tell you what they're all sayin'

Every part is you,
every part is me,
raise your hands and sing!
Tell them we can be,
show them who you are,
show them you can see!
Raise your hands and sing,
tell them we are free!


What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
I'll tell you what they're all sayin'
What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
What do we know?
I'll tell you what they're all sayin'